Pregnancy Loss
Pictures and now social media flashbacks serve as a reminder of our past, some bring happy memories and nostalgia. I recently saw two posts from last year and couldn’t help but wonder how much I have endured, how far I’ve come through ansd how much things have changed. This might be the first time I speak openly about our struggle but it seemed appropriate being pregnancy and infant awareness loss month and my rainbow baby’s first month of birth a few days ago.
Grieving due to infertility and pregnancy loss is lonely and silent, at least it was for me. The first picture that served me as a reminder of the now and then, was a pic from a trip to Chattanooga with my family. It is a good looking picture, however when I look at a it , I can’t help it but see how sad I was then. The picture was taken about a month after my second pregnancy loss and just a few months after my mom died. Looking forward extending our family helped me overcome my mom’s death since it was something she was really looking forward for us. So when I had an ectopic pregnancy it just all seemed worthless and my pain and grieve increased. A weekend away might seem like nothing but it might mean much more when you are trying to escape your reality.
The second picture is from a post that said “ when everything feels like an uphill struggle just think of the view from the top”. Back then everything did felt like an uphill struggle, dealing with infertility is hard enough and my mom gets sick, passes away and then I suffer a pregnancy loss. All of these have been tests for my faith and resilience, but back then I felt I couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to give up. So all I needed was a weekend off, a post that reminded my why we keep trying and a reminder to keep counting my blessings.
Since that post, I have accomplished so much. I knew I will be a mom again soon, I just didn’t knew when or how, but God heard our prayers after testing me, my faith and my patience for so long. I have a beautiful baby girl who just turned 1 month.
This journey has also left me with many lessons. I now know that no matter all I do, there are just few things in my life in which I can have full control off, and so I’ve learned do my best and let go and try to make the best of every situation. Life takes us all on very different paths, for many there is no right or wrong, but on all we have good things we can learn of and blessing to hold onto to make the best out of it . I have learned that if I focus on what went wrong or what I lack I will never be happy, at peace nor accomplished. There are things I might never be able to understand, but I can learn how to accept them and overcome them. Feelings are not about blocking or denying but letting in and out everything. Again focusing on all the goods things that I have, helps it put it all under perspective. Now more than ever I cherish the beautiful family I have, the one that was given to me by blood, as well as the one I chose. I know that I come from a place of privilege and I feel grateful more than ever. Even with our struggles, we are so blessed!
My major lesson learned is to live life as a journey. After struggling for years getting pregnant, when it finally happened I couldn’t help but wonder, now what? I finally reached my goal…..I was happy but also full of anxiety, and then I remember that life is a journey, and that we should not live up our life with goals, but mostly with experiences and accomplishments. I knew that giving a sibling to my son was a dream come true, but it was not the answer to all of my problems, nor a magic pill for happiness. Mariana is for sure one of the toughest tests of faith and endurance that we as a family have had to deal with, leaving us with life changing experiences, good and bad, but we learned from all and she is for sure a blessing for our life!
